Is it wrong of me to want to hit the pause button?… Of course I want her to grow up. But I also want this stage of her life to just slow down just a little.
I look back a pictures of when she was born, so tiny and helpless. And now she is a pinching, screaming, grabby, kicking little human. And everyday brings something new and wondrous for her, and I to discover.
I can wait to hear her first words, and see her first steps. Because I know they will come all too soon. I know that before I know it there will be no more milestone firsts.
There are times I find myself finding ways to keep her awake, just a little bit longer. Soak as much of her in as I can each day. Memorizing every little crease on her body. How with moods and how tired she is determines her eye color. The way she has to put one foot on my shoulder when she nurses. Like a lost little puppy, she whimpers in her sleep. How every time she smiles at me, my heart swells. I love how frustrated she gets when she can’t so something.
Hey father time… can you slow it down just a little bit. Let her be my baby for awhile longer?
I never realized how your personal hygiene goes out the window once you have a wee one. I sat feeding her today, sniff sniff. I look down at her, and lean in closer have you pooped already. Good Gawd, that stinks. But the closer I get to her, the less I think its her.
It can’t be, I say to myself I lean into my own arm pit. For the love of all that is holy, it is me. It then gets me thinking, hmmm when was the last time I had a shower? I don’t remember anymore when I last cleaned myself. How is that??!! I know that I haven’t shaved my legs in almost four months. I call it my real hair leg warmers. I mean it is winter after all, and whom the hell is going to care. At least I remember to brush my teeth every night. I think any way.
I did end up having a shower tonight. And holy hell, it felt great. I didn’t want to get out. But there is no such thing as long leisurely bath time any longer. But I kept thinking back to when I was little. And my dad would tell me it was time to get out of the bath. “But I’m not wrinkly yet” I would protest. That is the true way to tell when it’s time to get out of the bath right?. I just wanted to say that tonight.
I wanted to fill the tub, have bubbles. Maybe some candles, a glass of something something. Put my legs freshly shaven they would be, up by the taps. Sink deep until my ears were touching the water. But alas I was snapped out of my wet dream if you will. By the tiny whimper coming from the living room.
I think I might have to write down take shower, and put it somewhere so I remember. How have I become so forgetful?