No time

Ugh, I’ve been trying to get on here for what seems like forever. But what fleeting moments the wee one has given me. Have been spent doing dishes, cleaning up after her. Or just going to bed.
Why does it seem like all I’m doing as of late. Is caring for her (which I love, I might add) and cleaning. But it’s not getting the cleaning that I do need to get done. It’s the what has gotten dirty today. Not the scrubbing that I desperately need to get done.

The photos of these happy homemakers. Whom have a spotless home, perfect children, and cookies baking in the oven. Make me want to claw their eyes out. How the hell really!?

The fact of the matter is. My wee one has me almost at my wits end. Seriously, if I had balls. She would have me by them. For some reason this past week. She refuses to nap or sleep unless she is somehow on me. Or half on me, or touching distance. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Is this a faze? Is she teething again?

Now she has always been my speed racer. She goes from my sweet sun shiny smiley pumpkin. To a screaming crying mess. In 3.2 seconds. Take last night for example. I don’t know what set her off this time. But she wouldn’t settle/calm down. Overtired perhaps, that is normally the case lately. I just couldn’t take it. I was thinking to myself, who the hell left this screaming child on my floor. And I had to leave her there, and step outside. Because it was literally making me sweat and scrambling my brain. Her cries has always done that to me. I really can’t think straight when she gets that way. She got herself so worked up. She couldn’t catch her breath. And was shaking. It took half an hour to calm her down.

This is also what happens when I try to put her anywhere to sleep. Why I haven’t done it often. Because it breaks my heart. Cry it out is really not for us.

I don’t talk about these things with many people. I always feel like I’m being judged on my mothering skills. But it’s safe here, no one really knows me

But damn it I’m a good mum. Hell a great mum. I just struggle sometimes.

This was earlier in the day.

20120421-211038.jpg

And this would be an hour ago.

20120421-211224.jpg

Where is the pause button??!!

Is it wrong of me to want to hit the pause button?… Of course I want her to grow up. But I also want this stage of her life to just slow down just a little.

I look back a pictures of when she was born, so tiny and helpless. And now she is a pinching, screaming, grabby, kicking little human. And everyday brings something new and wondrous for her, and I to discover.

I can wait to hear her first words, and see her first steps. Because I know they will come all too soon. I know that before I know it there will be no more milestone firsts.

There are times I find myself finding ways to keep her awake, just a little bit longer. Soak as much of her in as I can each day. Memorizing every little crease on her body. How with moods and how tired she is determines her eye color. The way she has to put one foot on my shoulder when she nurses. Like a lost little puppy, she whimpers in her sleep. How every time she smiles at me, my heart swells. I love how frustrated she gets when she can’t so something.

Hey father time… can you slow it down just a little bit. Let her be my baby for awhile longer?