No time

Ugh, I’ve been trying to get on here for what seems like forever. But what fleeting moments the wee one has given me. Have been spent doing dishes, cleaning up after her. Or just going to bed.
Why does it seem like all I’m doing as of late. Is caring for her (which I love, I might add) and cleaning. But it’s not getting the cleaning that I do need to get done. It’s the what has gotten dirty today. Not the scrubbing that I desperately need to get done.

The photos of these happy homemakers. Whom have a spotless home, perfect children, and cookies baking in the oven. Make me want to claw their eyes out. How the hell really!?

The fact of the matter is. My wee one has me almost at my wits end. Seriously, if I had balls. She would have me by them. For some reason this past week. She refuses to nap or sleep unless she is somehow on me. Or half on me, or touching distance. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Is this a faze? Is she teething again?

Now she has always been my speed racer. She goes from my sweet sun shiny smiley pumpkin. To a screaming crying mess. In 3.2 seconds. Take last night for example. I don’t know what set her off this time. But she wouldn’t settle/calm down. Overtired perhaps, that is normally the case lately. I just couldn’t take it. I was thinking to myself, who the hell left this screaming child on my floor. And I had to leave her there, and step outside. Because it was literally making me sweat and scrambling my brain. Her cries has always done that to me. I really can’t think straight when she gets that way. She got herself so worked up. She couldn’t catch her breath. And was shaking. It took half an hour to calm her down.

This is also what happens when I try to put her anywhere to sleep. Why I haven’t done it often. Because it breaks my heart. Cry it out is really not for us.

I don’t talk about these things with many people. I always feel like I’m being judged on my mothering skills. But it’s safe here, no one really knows me

But damn it I’m a good mum. Hell a great mum. I just struggle sometimes.

This was earlier in the day.

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And this would be an hour ago.

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Mirror mirror on the wall…

These days I avoid mirrors at all costs. This includes shop windows bus windows, and anything that will reflect my image. I’m not happy with my appearance at all.

I see the fatigue all over me, I miss sleep we were such great friends. But it alludes me at every turn now. But the sleep or lack there of is really not what bothers me. The wee one likes to eat, and I wouldn’t give her up to have sleep back. Don’t get me wrong.

It’s the weight loss that has me really avoiding things. Like mirrors, and having my picture taken, and really enjoying myself. My face looks like someone elses someone I don’t recognize. Clothes that once looked so good, now just don’t seem right. My collar-bone seems to poke out from everything, like a giant scarlet letter yelling out to me from my shirts. I eat, I don’t understand why it just doesn’t stick to my bones anymore. Whirr Whirr goes my metabolism.

My hair, oh my beautiful lovely hair is no more. I haven’t had a cut since a month before she was born. So that would be almost 6 months, and I was religious every 2 to 3 months. It was the only way for it to stay looking good and doing something for me. Now I wake up and throw it in a braid or pony or bun. And I’m still shedding since the hormone drop off at her birth. It’s still tough watching handfuls cascade down the drain. Sometimes I think I’m going to go bald at some point. And no I’m not going to get a mommy cut, if at some point I get to trim some ends off. I can’t do it, this is the longest it has ever been. And it would make me cry more than watching it collect in my brush.

Maybe I should start eating sticks of butter?!