The day after….

Grumpy day

This pretty much sums up today. Yesterday was the dreaded S day, S as in shots. She hates them, WE hate them. Such a horrible thing to do to a wee child. Yes I know somethings have to be done to protect her. But really, have you seen the length of those needles?!

At least it didn’t take as long for us to get through them this time. We had a smart nurse. She stabbed her once and we quickly switched sides, and stabbed her again. It’s the way it should be done. She is already in pain, and screaming. Why drag it out for the both of us.

I think it almost hurts me more than her. The pain cry, sets me off… My boobs get hard and leak, as do my eyes. And I just can’t think when she cries like that. All I want to do is fold her back into my womb and make her safe.

But it is my entertainment after she has calmed down. She always looks right at the nurse, sticks her hand in her mouth. And gives her the what for.

Today was the aftermath. She was a hot mess. Crying almost all day, slight fever. I couldn’t put her down, as soon as I did she would start all over again. We went for a three hours walk, it was the only way she would sleep. And she only really dozed. Poor little bugger

At least we have 8 weeks until they want to stab her again.

Home is where you……(insert what you feel here)

Home is where you…. I can’t say where I live. Sure I do love it here, I moved here for a reason. And can’t say where my heart is, because it’s in two places. My daughter is my heart, and of course she lives with me. And there are tiny pieces of my heart scattered across this world. I believe that each person who has truly touched your heart, or played some deep role in it. Carries a tiny piece of your heart with them… Anywho I’m getting off topic.

I will always and forever call Calgary my home. And I’m really missing home today.

Bump in the tower

This picture was taken the last time I was home. It was July last year, and I was just over 30 weeks. Its seems like forever ago. Granted I was in Edmonton for Christmas, and got to see some of my family. But about half of my family hasn’t even met the wee one yet.

I do admit I’ve loved these almost 10 years, 12 hour drive away from the drama that is my family. But since I’ve had the wee one, I find myself dreaming of home.

It’s hard always having to go and take the wee one to visit his family, and do things with his family. Yes I know she needs to know his side too. I’m not saying that she wouldn’t and shouldn’t. It just makes me sad that she doesn’t get to spend as much time with mine.They see bits and pieces of her. Her image in a photo, or through the computer screen. But that is not the same as holding her. I want her to be able to recognize them, and not play strange. Because she only sees them once or twice a year. This is not how I wanted it to be.

It was great when she was born. I think I had over two years worth of my own family visits in the first two months. And I loved it, or shall I say WE loved it. My parents were here for a week, they came two days after she was born and stayed for a week. But they normally come in September anyway, so they got an added bonus that visit. Then my oldest niece and her girlfriend came for a few days. Then my brother and my oldest nephew came for almost a week. My brother comes out about once a year, well he has started to anyway. And my nephew has never come out before. And the one that has meant the most to me. Was my sister and one of my other wonderful nieces came for a week. Neither of them have ever come out since I moved here. And it made me so happy.

So I guess you could say I’m going through family withdrawal. My next visit, as far as I know. Will be in June, my parents always come out for my birthday. Sigh that is so far away. And not to forget the wonderful spectacular friends that are there. I’m missing them something awful too.

Someone… Anyone…. Come see us soon we miss you

 

Back story before birth story..

I’ve decided that at some point I really need to write my birth story. Before all the finite details have disappeared into the cracks of my mind. First I should give you a bit of back story….

I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I knew that it was the one job that was made for me. Kids and animals always liked me more than the rest of the general public. I always was reading about pregnancy and birth, it fascinated me. Even in Jr High, my bio said that I was going to have twelve sets of twins. I was determined to have my own hockey team. Such lofty dreams I had in my teens.

At seventeen I had a bit of a set back that still haunts me to this day. I had an ectopic pregnancy. Being a fool hearty kid, I had no idea. I mean really I was seventeen, I just thought it was a really bad period. The pain was unreal, it got to the point that I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t sit or sand, I just curled into the fetal position and cried. I finally gave in and called my dad, and asked him to come take me to the hospital. It was there in the emergency room that the doctor, oh so nonchalantly said your pregnant. I was shocked, ok more than shocked. He then tried to explain to me that it wasn’t where is should be. And I would have to have surgery. What I heard was that they were going to give me an abortion, that I had no choice in.(don’t get me wrong. Everyone woman has the right to an abortion. I just couldn’t do it myself)  I don’t think I had ever cried so much in my life. My mind was all over the place. I was scared and stressed. I’d never had to have major surgery before, and I hated hospitals.

So I had the surgery, and was told after that I had almost died on the table. My blood pressure had disappeared, I think it was the fact that I was so scared. Maybe the fact that it was close to the point of bursting my tube and me hemorrhaging. Once I had come around the doctor, in his oh so wonderful bedside manner told me that I had a less than 50% chance of ever having a viable pregnancy. I would need to ovulate from the left side, as my right one is now one big scared defect. Along with my heart.

I was crushed, everything that I had wanted I was being told I might never have. It was the only job I ever wanted. From that point on I was very diligent with birth control. I was scared of having another one. Everyday it was still in the back of my mind. Would I never become a mother?

Now I don’t know if my birth story will be next.. And I’ll warn you now, it will be a long one. Well because it was haha…

 

First’s

We had a wonderful visit with my family in Alberta. Not the whole family, but most of them.
As I kept saying to the little miss. Aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandma and grandpa OH MY. She defiantly had her full of cuddles. And a number of chatting partners. Now I don’t think mum cuts it. I think she wonders where all her entertainment has gone.
She also had her very own body guard. In the form of my sisters chocolate lab. It really was the cutest thing, she always had to be close. And it didn’t even faze Adelayde, she just wanted to touch her. She cried, the dog did too. If I wasn’t in the room and she cried, she came and found me. Hey, hey your baby is crying, come quick. But she was a bit jealous, she wasn’t getting all the attention. Cute none the less.

Not only was it her very first Christmas. She also had her very first plane ride too. That was not only an adventure for her. But for myself as well.
I’m not super keen on flying. It makes me nervous, and I normally take drugs to combat it. Sigh, there was none of that since I nurse.
I did have to wake her up to get to the airport. So you can already see where this is going to go. She was a bit of a bear, but lucky they were loading as soon as I hit the gate. We had to nurse right when we got on. Because it was passed her feed time. And she was having none of me trying to fend her off until take off. Have you ever tried to nurse in one of those seats??!! Not easy. And even harder when the person in the seat next to you is on the larger side.
Plane is in motion now, no ear issues. Thank the stars for that. But without fail, we get a massive poop blow out. Right up the back, and the seatbelt sign is still on. And would you like to sit in a shitty diaper? I think not, so the fussing begins. It really doesn’t help that when you have a child on a flight. You have to have the window seat. So you get the stink eye when you have to get up.

Changing her was a challenge. You forget how small the toilet is. Somehow it seemed even smaller. And to top it off, as soon as I lay her on the tiny slab they call a change table. We hit turbulence. The screaming begins, she wailed until we got out. The flight attendants were all oh she doesn’t like to be changed? Ummm no that’s not it, can I try it on you and see how you feel?! Back to the seat, make the people get up again. By this point she is overtired. Trying to rock her in a confined space was interesting. But we managed. Thankfully it’s a short flight. The way back I lucked out and had her asleep before we got on. She slept the whole way home.

It was also her first photo with Santa. She smiled and everything. Very proud of no freak out. I’m sure we will get one photo of her screaming at the fat man in red.

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She got spoiled. I didn’t want anything, the trip there was a great gift. And my daughter is the best present ever. She was just early, and the gift that keeps giving. And spending time with my family was amazing. All in all I can say it was a memorable holiday xo

Hostage

I feel like a hostage, I’m at the mercy of her father. Or so it seems. This is not how I saw my life turn out. I did NOT see myself at 35, being a single mother. I always wanted a family with someone who loved me as much as I loved them. I’m not talking the picket fence and all that, but close I guess.

Her father and I were only dating for about five months, if that. I was going to break up with him before I found out about Adelayde. It really wasn’t much of a relationship, more of something to pass the time. Big mistake I guess, but I did get the best thing in the world out of it. I thought I should try to make it work, for the sake of the unborn child. Another big mistake, needless to say I broke it off with him when I was three months pregnant.

He always made it clear to me that he never wanted children. And made the point of telling me that he didn’t love me when I told him I was pregnant. That alone should have got me running. He harassed me the entire time I was pregnant. Sending me emails asking me if I just used him as a sperm donor, and if it was his. He even went so far as stalking my friend at his work to find out what I was up to. Then started asking me why we couldn’t be together. He is not of great moral character, and I don’t trust him at all. For many reasons, but I wont get into that here. I told him every time he tried to contact me to leave me alone. I was good enough to fill him in on the progress of the pregnancy if there was a need. And I really didn’t have to do that. As the date approached closer to her being due. He became more of a thorn in my side. He wanted to be at the birth, that was never going to happen. I needed to be at ease and comfortable. I knew that would not happen with him in the room. And at this point we had been broken up for longer then we were together.

I might have mentioned before that I had a very long hard labor, over 48 hours. I gave birth at 2:25 in the morning, I sent him a photo and let him know she was born later in the morning. This is when the hateful emails began. He said he may not have had any rights when I was pregnant, but now that she is born he does. Fine yeah I get it, but give me a day to recover. Even my midwives told me not to have visitors for a couple of days. I made him aware of this fact. And what did he do? he called my midwives office and started to scream at them. He is a bully, he will do and say anything to get his way. Not going to lie he scares me, kind of always has.

It’s taken me a long time dealing with legal aid to obtain myself a lawyer to combat his. He is trying to make it that I can never leave the city without his permission. All my family lives in another province, and I shouldn’t have to ask for us to see my family. He always wants to be here, texts me all the time. I can’t get the two of us moving with our life, because I feel like he is trying his best to make sure I can’t.

Yes I know I should be thankful he wants to be part of her life. I’m not denying him that. I cry myself to sleep many nights, which isn’t good for me or her. I shouldn’t feel like my child has made me a hostage. I don’t regret her at all, I love her more than my own life. But he scares the hell out of me, because if he doesn’t get his way being a bully he escalates until he does. So for the most part I’ve let him have his way. Stupid me. I just want my lawyer to get off her ass, and get me custody. I know that is going to be a fight too. This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. Ahhh such is my life, never could do things the easy way.