Why I love you Wednesday…

We don’t get to choose who our children are, they choose us. And each and every day since this wee one was born, I’m thankful. And so very very in love. I was in love with you even before you were born, just the thought of seeing you. Set the tears in motion, and the heart swelling…

And here you are….

I never dreamed it possible to love like this. I always heard that a mothers love is so very powerful. I just didn’t fathom how awe-struck I would be when you were first placed on my chest. And my love for you grows each and every day.

I love waking up in the morning when I hear you stir. When I look over, and you lock eyes with me. And you get the biggest smile, and all four limbs start flaying. As if to say MUMMY good morning, you’re awake, come snuggle me!. Even on nights when you haven’t let mummy sleep, this makes it worth while.

I love when you cover your head with anything in arms reach. And then huff and puff until I come find you. You squeal like mad, and do it all over again, and again..

I love how frustrated you get when you can’t do what you want to do. Like get to that toy, just out of your reach. Or that you are too short to get that toy in your mouth on your jungle gym. So you scream and then cry. Tears in your eyes you thrust your arms out. Mummy will soothe me, and I always do

I love that everyone always stops us in the street to say hello. And you and your stubbornness, give them your best serious look. As soon as they walk away you smile at me. As if to say hahaha I’m not a circus animal, I’m not going to smile because you ask me.

I love when you place your hands on my cheeks and pull me in. Only to rub all your slobber across my face.

I love you today, tomorrow, and for always. Each day brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart swell. Thank you for picking me to be your mummy xo

Ooh you found me!

Baby, you got my number….

Oh this wee one, she has me wrapped around her finger. Hell she did the moment I first felt her kick. This last week has been one for the books. Its like having a newborn all over again. And I’m at my wits end for what its all about.

Oooh and now that she is rolling, its opened a whole new can of worms. I’ve never seen someone so happy that she accomplished something. And two minutes later so absoultly pissed off. I think this is only because she can’t get to what she wants. So she screams, and its horrible frustration screams. I try not to let her scream it out for long. But I do want her to try and figure things out for herself.

She screams louder…. I’m sure saying look woman just pick me up damit.

And of course I do. And it then takes five minute to get her settled back down. So I now have a child that I put down to play, and the first thing she does is roll over. Because hey I can why shouldn’t I. What use to be my saving grace to be able to wash dishes, or whip up a quick meal is now gone.

Learning is hard…..

And the fact that her poor little mouth hurts.. Cut a fucking tooth please I beg. Each morning I hope that a tiny pearly white will be looking back at me. She drools like a champ, chews on anything she can fit in her mouth. And even if she can she tries anyway. And then screams as she does it.

My wee one that just a week ago was hardly sleeping is now taking more naps. In my arms I might add, not wanting to be put down much at all. And if I do…. Yup you guessed it, she screams. Not that I’m complaining about the extra cuddles. And feeding oh lord, now we want to feed more. And not always a full feed. Sometimes just enough to calm her down.

I just hope this too will pass…

 

 

19 Weeks

My wee tater tot is 19 weeks old young today. I remember when it was her first 19 weeks. The day I got to find out if it was blue or pink.
I drank so much water, I thought I was going to pee myself. I actually almost did on the bus ride to the clinic. When I got there and signed in I realized it was extremely busy. Not a free chair in the waiting room. Crap I just wanted to sit down and cross my legs and pray that I could hold it in. I paced in circles, I may not have the strongest kegels now. But I sure as shit did then, and they were working overtime. My bladder was so full my eyes were starting to water.
I glanced at my watch for the like the hundredth time. Crap, they were behind. I went to the desk and pleaded with the receptionist. “please” I blubbered “I really can hold it” she sighed handed me this cup and told me I could go. BUT to only fill the cup half full. Sure, sure I snatched the cup and beelined it to the washroom.
When your bladder is more than over full. It is extremely hard to stop the flow once you start it. Or so I found out anyway.
Back out to the waiting room I go. I knew there was a reason they call it that. Because I waited some more. Needless to say, I had to plead with a different receptionist to let me pee more.
Finally my turn. I laid down on the table as the technician got everything ready. I was ever so thankful for the warm jelly. Only can imagine what would have happened of it was cold.
When she started the scan, she kind of laughed at me. “your bladder is too full. You’re going to have to empty it a bit” So really I could have filled both those cups and been fine.
Back on the table. I had to crane my neck as she swooshed her little wand around my growing belly. She was pretty silent as she took the measurements and what not. Which scared me a little. Until she turned the monitor. There in the middle of the screen, was this little heart beating so fast. My heart was in my mouth, my hands hurt from gripping each other. She asked if there was anyone in the waiting room she could get for me. I said nope it’s just me. Would you like to know what it is?
I had been waiting for this question for 19 weeks. Fuck Yes I did. I already knew, but I wanted to hear it. It’s a girl she said pointing to as she said the hamburg lines. Tears were streaming down my face. It all seemed so real. To be able to see her rolling and kicking around in there.

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This was one of the pictures I got. It kind of creeped me out. But there she was staring back at me, and waving hello. Saying not too much longer mummy.

Back story before birth story..

I’ve decided that at some point I really need to write my birth story. Before all the finite details have disappeared into the cracks of my mind. First I should give you a bit of back story….

I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I knew that it was the one job that was made for me. Kids and animals always liked me more than the rest of the general public. I always was reading about pregnancy and birth, it fascinated me. Even in Jr High, my bio said that I was going to have twelve sets of twins. I was determined to have my own hockey team. Such lofty dreams I had in my teens.

At seventeen I had a bit of a set back that still haunts me to this day. I had an ectopic pregnancy. Being a fool hearty kid, I had no idea. I mean really I was seventeen, I just thought it was a really bad period. The pain was unreal, it got to the point that I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t sit or sand, I just curled into the fetal position and cried. I finally gave in and called my dad, and asked him to come take me to the hospital. It was there in the emergency room that the doctor, oh so nonchalantly said your pregnant. I was shocked, ok more than shocked. He then tried to explain to me that it wasn’t where is should be. And I would have to have surgery. What I heard was that they were going to give me an abortion, that I had no choice in.(don’t get me wrong. Everyone woman has the right to an abortion. I just couldn’t do it myself)  I don’t think I had ever cried so much in my life. My mind was all over the place. I was scared and stressed. I’d never had to have major surgery before, and I hated hospitals.

So I had the surgery, and was told after that I had almost died on the table. My blood pressure had disappeared, I think it was the fact that I was so scared. Maybe the fact that it was close to the point of bursting my tube and me hemorrhaging. Once I had come around the doctor, in his oh so wonderful bedside manner told me that I had a less than 50% chance of ever having a viable pregnancy. I would need to ovulate from the left side, as my right one is now one big scared defect. Along with my heart.

I was crushed, everything that I had wanted I was being told I might never have. It was the only job I ever wanted. From that point on I was very diligent with birth control. I was scared of having another one. Everyday it was still in the back of my mind. Would I never become a mother?

Now I don’t know if my birth story will be next.. And I’ll warn you now, it will be a long one. Well because it was haha…

 

We be rolling

So the evolution of the wee one continues. She started to roll over by herself yesterday. I can hardly believe how fast she is growing.

She gets so angry once she is on her tummy, because she can’t get to the toys that she wants. I told her that she needs to learn things one at a time. She is not a horse, she can’t run right away. And I’m thankful for that. She hasn’t figured out that when you get tired of being on your tummy. You should just lay your head down, or roll back to your back. Silly tater tot

Brave

There is a woman in my life who has had a rollercoaster of a year. Not the fun, fun woop it up Disney kind. More like the 1900’s wooden type, where you feel all the creaks and cracks. And fear that it’s all going to come tumbling down around you. She white knuckled that safety bar all the way to the end I’m sure. But she made it, as unscathed as she could be. But you can see it in her eyes, that it did affect her. But its in the unspoken look in her eyes that says I’ll make it.

I respect her so very much, she posses qualitys that I do not. She is like a little old woman in a young woman’s body, wise beyond her years. The talent in her shutter finger is more than I have in all ten. Her creative juices are incomparable. And the love that she has for her two boys is enough to make your heart melt. She just has an amazing way about her, you always feel welcome in her presence. I’ve been amazed since I met her how well put together she is.

I find myself feeling very inadequate, okay maybe jealous. Okay maybe not the best words. It’s just I’m envious of her, but in the nicest way possible. She really is a ray of light through the dark Vancouver sky’s.

I love you momma Jo, and am in awe of what a brave wonderful woman/mother you are. Thank you for coming into my life, and thank you for everything I’ve yet to learn from you. You are brave!

Photography

I use to take a lot of pictures, it was something that I loved love to do. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly good at it. Few would argue me on that statement I’m sure. I’m more the non moving type of photographer. Landscapes, architecture, things like that. If I could take everything in black and white I would. Something that I just love about black and white photographs. Just a touch of mystery to it. I grew up loving Ansel Adams.
he is a God to me. His work inspired me to start taking pictures. And I also blame him for me not being able to take a decent photo of people. It angers me to no end. I’ve tried everything to manage a good shot, to no avail. I have a picture in my head, I push the shutter. And WAMOOO, turns out like shit.

But since the wee one was born, the pictures I take are of her. I hope that when she gets older, or soon. I can get back to it. And again it’s shit that I can’t take brilliant picture of her… Ok being hard on myself as per. They are not all bad that I’ve taken of her.

I think from time to time I’ll post one or two of things I’ve done. Remind me of who I am from time to time. I tend to forget recently.

This is one that I took days before she was born.. I’m surprised they stayed still. I just think they didn’t want to stop 🙂

Where is the pause button??!!

Is it wrong of me to want to hit the pause button?… Of course I want her to grow up. But I also want this stage of her life to just slow down just a little.

I look back a pictures of when she was born, so tiny and helpless. And now she is a pinching, screaming, grabby, kicking little human. And everyday brings something new and wondrous for her, and I to discover.

I can wait to hear her first words, and see her first steps. Because I know they will come all too soon. I know that before I know it there will be no more milestone firsts.

There are times I find myself finding ways to keep her awake, just a little bit longer. Soak as much of her in as I can each day. Memorizing every little crease on her body. How with moods and how tired she is determines her eye color. The way she has to put one foot on my shoulder when she nurses. Like a lost little puppy, she whimpers in her sleep. How every time she smiles at me, my heart swells. I love how frustrated she gets when she can’t so something.

Hey father time… can you slow it down just a little bit. Let her be my baby for awhile longer?

 

Bath time (un)fun

Doesn’t she look happy? Oh that face will fool you at every turn. I always thought ooh I can’t wait to give her baths. How fun and relaxing it will be. A good just before bed routine, soooo not the case. She hates, and I mean HATES bath time. I thought that all kids loved it. Her first bath was okay, she tolerated it. I think it was more what is this new experience? But since then it has been a fight. I figured maybe it was the bath tub that my parents brought for me. It’s a weird angle, or I think so anyway. Maybe the water was not warm enough.

So each time I attempted the dreaded bath time I changed it up. I even decided bathing with her, it could relax her and make it more fun being with mummy.

Nooooooooope

She screams, and not a dainty girly scream. At the top of her lungs you are killing me kind of scream. I’m sure my neighbours think I am. So bath time has become the I don’t want to do it. Or the quickest bath in the entire world. The last few times I’ve just given her a sponge bath. That she is fine with. And I don’t run the risk of someone calling the cops on me for beating my child.

Could it be that once she can better sit on her own she will enjoy it? Or will I always be stuck with my little screamer? HELP