I feel like a hostage, I’m at the mercy of her father. Or so it seems. This is not how I saw my life turn out. I did NOT see myself at 35, being a single mother. I always wanted a family with someone who loved me as much as I loved them. I’m not talking the picket fence and all that, but close I guess.

Her father and I were only dating for about five months, if that. I was going to break up with him before I found out about Adelayde. It really wasn’t much of a relationship, more of something to pass the time. Big mistake I guess, but I did get the best thing in the world out of it. I thought I should try to make it work, for the sake of the unborn child. Another big mistake, needless to say I broke it off with him when I was three months pregnant.

He always made it clear to me that he never wanted children. And made the point of telling me that he didn’t love me when I told him I was pregnant. That alone should have got me running. He harassed me the entire time I was pregnant. Sending me emails asking me if I just used him as a sperm donor, and if it was his. He even went so far as stalking my friend at his work to find out what I was up to. Then started asking me why we couldn’t be together. He is not of great moral character, and I don’t trust him at all. For many reasons, but I wont get into that here. I told him every time he tried to contact me to leave me alone. I was good enough to fill him in on the progress of the pregnancy if there was a need. And I really didn’t have to do that. As the date approached closer to her being due. He became more of a thorn in my side. He wanted to be at the birth, that was never going to happen. I needed to be at ease and comfortable. I knew that would not happen with him in the room. And at this point we had been broken up for longer then we were together.

I might have mentioned before that I had a very long hard labor, over 48 hours. I gave birth at 2:25 in the morning, I sent him a photo and let him know she was born later in the morning. This is when the hateful emails began. He said he may not have had any rights when I was pregnant, but now that she is born he does. Fine yeah I get it, but give me a day to recover. Even my midwives told me not to have visitors for a couple of days. I made him aware of this fact. And what did he do? he called my midwives office and started to scream at them. He is a bully, he will do and say anything to get his way. Not going to lie he scares me, kind of always has.

It’s taken me a long time dealing with legal aid to obtain myself a lawyer to combat his. He is trying to make it that I can never leave the city without his permission. All my family lives in another province, and I shouldn’t have to ask for us to see my family. He always wants to be here, texts me all the time. I can’t get the two of us moving with our life, because I feel like he is trying his best to make sure I can’t.

Yes I know I should be thankful he wants to be part of her life. I’m not denying him that. I cry myself to sleep many nights, which isn’t good for me or her. I shouldn’t feel like my child has made me a hostage. I don’t regret her at all, I love her more than my own life. But he scares the hell out of me, because if he doesn’t get his way being a bully he escalates until he does. So for the most part I’ve let him have his way. Stupid me. I just want my lawyer to get off her ass, and get me custody. I know that is going to be a fight too. This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. Ahhh such is my life, never could do things the easy way.