Worst Day

Well, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been away for some time, and so many things have transpired. So let me begin with the one day that will, so far be the worst day of my life.
On December 10th, two days before the wee ones 15 month birthday. Ugh still gives me nightmares. Honestly, I don’t even like talking about it. But here it goes.

The day started off wonderfully, she was in a great mood….. That would soon change. I didn’t feel like making breakfast. So we headed down to our local diner, The Tipper Restaurant. She loves it there, as does everyone there. She believes that she runs the joint. I let her out of the ergo so she could make her rounds and say hi. Off to the kitchen she ran. One of her favorite cooks was working, who immeditly scooped her up. This gave me the chance to grab a much needed coffee.

I hadn’t even taken a sip, when I heard her crying. I turned and headed into the kitchen. The cook was holding her, his face distraught. She was still crying, he was holding her hand. Of course I thought that she had touched the dishwasher, she is amazed by it. And it does get hot, so I asked still with a smile on my face, “did she touch it?” He just kept saying “I shouldn’t have let that happen” he was holding her hand with a paper towel. I grabbed her and noticed the blood on the towel. Here I was thinking that it was his blood. NOPE it was her’s. At this point I was starting to panic, but I couldn’t. Because I knew this would stress her out. I was holding her hand tight and asked what happened.

They were standing next to the dish washer, watching it work. Issue was they were too close, he had turned to see where I was. And at that exact moment, she stuck her teeny tiny finger into a hole. And when she did the machine cycled and sliced her finger. So here is the moment that still makes me sick. I thinking no biggie just a little cut, silly little girl, I removed the towel, my knees buckled. I had to almost sit on the floor. I’m sure I went white, her finger tip was hanging by a thread. I put the towel back and held it tighter and high above her heart. She is still crying, and as any mother knows. It’s that terrified, I’m in pain cry. And it rips right through you. I just kept saying “her finger, her finger. Its hanging off” The cook asked what he should do call an ambulance? I said call the owner who lives very close. I didn’t want to take my first ambulance ride with her. He wasn’t answering, so I said yes call.

She kept crying and signing milk over and over. I sat down waiting for the ambulance and nursed her. Which helped calm her for a bit. Seriously thank god for boobs. The ambulance whisked us away to the Children’s hospital.

Seems like this must be part one…. Someone has had a fever the last few days and needs her momma…

No time

Ugh, I’ve been trying to get on here for what seems like forever. But what fleeting moments the wee one has given me. Have been spent doing dishes, cleaning up after her. Or just going to bed.
Why does it seem like all I’m doing as of late. Is caring for her (which I love, I might add) and cleaning. But it’s not getting the cleaning that I do need to get done. It’s the what has gotten dirty today. Not the scrubbing that I desperately need to get done.

The photos of these happy homemakers. Whom have a spotless home, perfect children, and cookies baking in the oven. Make me want to claw their eyes out. How the hell really!?

The fact of the matter is. My wee one has me almost at my wits end. Seriously, if I had balls. She would have me by them. For some reason this past week. She refuses to nap or sleep unless she is somehow on me. Or half on me, or touching distance. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Is this a faze? Is she teething again?

Now she has always been my speed racer. She goes from my sweet sun shiny smiley pumpkin. To a screaming crying mess. In 3.2 seconds. Take last night for example. I don’t know what set her off this time. But she wouldn’t settle/calm down. Overtired perhaps, that is normally the case lately. I just couldn’t take it. I was thinking to myself, who the hell left this screaming child on my floor. And I had to leave her there, and step outside. Because it was literally making me sweat and scrambling my brain. Her cries has always done that to me. I really can’t think straight when she gets that way. She got herself so worked up. She couldn’t catch her breath. And was shaking. It took half an hour to calm her down.

This is also what happens when I try to put her anywhere to sleep. Why I haven’t done it often. Because it breaks my heart. Cry it out is really not for us.

I don’t talk about these things with many people. I always feel like I’m being judged on my mothering skills. But it’s safe here, no one really knows me

But damn it I’m a good mum. Hell a great mum. I just struggle sometimes.

This was earlier in the day.

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And this would be an hour ago.

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