19 Weeks

My wee tater tot is 19 weeks old young today. I remember when it was her first 19 weeks. The day I got to find out if it was blue or pink.
I drank so much water, I thought I was going to pee myself. I actually almost did on the bus ride to the clinic. When I got there and signed in I realized it was extremely busy. Not a free chair in the waiting room. Crap I just wanted to sit down and cross my legs and pray that I could hold it in. I paced in circles, I may not have the strongest kegels now. But I sure as shit did then, and they were working overtime. My bladder was so full my eyes were starting to water.
I glanced at my watch for the like the hundredth time. Crap, they were behind. I went to the desk and pleaded with the receptionist. “please” I blubbered “I really can hold it” she sighed handed me this cup and told me I could go. BUT to only fill the cup half full. Sure, sure I snatched the cup and beelined it to the washroom.
When your bladder is more than over full. It is extremely hard to stop the flow once you start it. Or so I found out anyway.
Back out to the waiting room I go. I knew there was a reason they call it that. Because I waited some more. Needless to say, I had to plead with a different receptionist to let me pee more.
Finally my turn. I laid down on the table as the technician got everything ready. I was ever so thankful for the warm jelly. Only can imagine what would have happened of it was cold.
When she started the scan, she kind of laughed at me. “your bladder is too full. You’re going to have to empty it a bit” So really I could have filled both those cups and been fine.
Back on the table. I had to crane my neck as she swooshed her little wand around my growing belly. She was pretty silent as she took the measurements and what not. Which scared me a little. Until she turned the monitor. There in the middle of the screen, was this little heart beating so fast. My heart was in my mouth, my hands hurt from gripping each other. She asked if there was anyone in the waiting room she could get for me. I said nope it’s just me. Would you like to know what it is?
I had been waiting for this question for 19 weeks. Fuck Yes I did. I already knew, but I wanted to hear it. It’s a girl she said pointing to as she said the hamburg lines. Tears were streaming down my face. It all seemed so real. To be able to see her rolling and kicking around in there.

This was one of the pictures I got. It kind of creeped me out. But there she was staring back at me, and waving hello. Saying not too much longer mummy.


Good-bye 2011. Hello 2012

I highly doubt that I’ll be making the midnight hour. Doesn’t really bother me, I haven’t really done anything for New Years in years. To me it has really been just another day. But I do admit I do a lot of reflecting over the next 24 hours. Not that I accomplish many of the things I ponder, but thinking about them is the first step right??…..

What do I have to say about 2011?…..

Well the year started off with me finding out I was pregnant. So that was one for the good things side of the page. But I also had a very good friend take a job in the states. (bad side). (good side) I did go and visit him for a weekend. (bad and good side) I left my baby daddy. Good because we never should have been together in the first place. Good, because my wee one came of it. Bad because I have to find a way to deal with him for a very long time. When all I want to do is run far far away. (bad side) Another friend moved to the states to be with the one she loved. Miss her greatly. (good side) Two of my favorite girls had beautiful healthy baby boys. Needless to say they both live far far away. And I’d love to have them closer, so our children could grow up together. (good side) My daughter was born, and she made me the happiest woman ever. I can’t think of anything better that this year has given me than her. (good side) I had lots of visits from my family. I don’t get to see them enough since I moved here, so its been a plus.

There are many other things, but these are the ones that stick in my head. I’m sure I could tell you a lot of things for the bad side. But I prefer not to dwell on the negative any longer than I have to. If I do I just stew about it and get all melancholy and just end up feeling worse. And I can’t be like that any more.

What do I want/need out of 2012?…..

Hmm that’s hard, I’ve never made resolutions. Many reasons, manly because I don’t like to fail at things. So if I fuck up and break one I would kick myself for a very long time. So I’ll tell you things that I’d like to happen, Geesh I guess that kind of is resolutions.

Well many thing is to keep raising my happy, health, thriving young woman. And teach her to be respectful, considerate, strong, compassionate, and remind her to be her, not what others want her to be. Yes I know she is only three and a half months. Buts it never too early to instill the finer points right?!

Now this is the hard one. I MUST MUST find a way not to go back to my job. Don’t get me wrong I liked my job, but I can do it with my eyes closed. There is far too much high school drama that goes on there. There is no room for advancement, the pay is shit. I’d only be working to pay for child care. I need to figure out a way to stay at home. So if anyone knows of a way to help me achieve this please please let me know.

Many this will be the year that I’ll figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Try to spend more time with my family, or at least keep more in touch. I want my tater tot to know and remember my family. That is the one thing that bothers me living so far away from them. And heck I do miss them.

Try and be better to myself…

Do more things that make ME happy

Find love…. This is not just finding a lover so to speak. But to love me as well.

I just wish that everyone I love and respect to find what they want and need in the year ahead. And pray that they are happy and healthy.

The same goes to all that read this.. reflect on each day and remember to find the goodness in everything. Even when its hard to do so. I have to learn that myself….

Happy New Year


I received a Christmas hamper today. When the little Miss and I were getting her three-month shots. The health nurse asked if I would like to get one. I kind of shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t think about it again. That was until she called the last week. She said she didn’t remember if I wanted one or not. And if I did to call her back and let her know. And I could tell her if I had any special requests for it.

I never called her back. I don’t like to ask for help, and I’m sure that there are many people who need it more than I do. Here I was thinking that was the end of it.

But this afternoon, my buzzer went. And it was two health nurses, dropping off my hamper. I’m going to be honest, it did bring tears to my eyes. I know it doesn’t take much to do that these days. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much food in my cupboards. And to not have to worry about the extra expense of buying non perishables does help. I think I thanked them ten times is the very short time they were here.

Just before they left, I ran into my room. I had been given a pack of stage 1 diapers. But she is wearing stage 2 now. So I asked if they knew of someone who would be able to use them. They said are you sure, of course I’m sure. I know diapers are not cheap, and it made me feel better. Being able to give back. Even if it is only a pack of diapers.

I guess sometimes you just need to swallow your pride. And take people up on offers. Even if you think you are not deserving or you don’t need the help.

And I need to remember that what you give out, comes back. Not always right away, but in the end it always does.