I received a Christmas hamper today. When the little Miss and I were getting her three-month shots. The health nurse asked if I would like to get one. I kind of shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t think about it again. That was until she called the last week. She said she didn’t remember if I wanted one or not. And if I did to call her back and let her know. And I could tell her if I had any special requests for it.

I never called her back. I don’t like to ask for help, and I’m sure that there are many people who need it more than I do. Here I was thinking that was the end of it.

But this afternoon, my buzzer went. And it was two health nurses, dropping off my hamper. I’m going to be honest, it did bring tears to my eyes. I know it doesn’t take much to do that these days. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much food in my cupboards. And to not have to worry about the extra expense of buying non perishables does help. I think I thanked them ten times is the very short time they were here.

Just before they left, I ran into my room. I had been given a pack of stage 1 diapers. But she is wearing stage 2 now. So I asked if they knew of someone who would be able to use them. They said are you sure, of course I’m sure. I know diapers are not cheap, and it made me feel better. Being able to give back. Even if it is only a pack of diapers.

I guess sometimes you just need to swallow your pride. And take people up on offers. Even if you think you are not deserving or you don’t need the help.

And I need to remember that what you give out, comes back. Not always right away, but in the end it always does.



Today was a hectic, but good day. We had a lot of visitors, and a long walk to boot. A wonderful lady that is a client at my old job that I never want to go back to. came to visit. She brought food which to me is heaven, and  Christmas presents for us both. I love this woman, she has always been one of my favorite people to deal with. She has such grace and love about her. And she has kept in touch with me the entire time I’ve been gone from my job. And she would do anything for me, that is if I ask. I’m not one to bother people. But ever so thankful for her visit today, even if it was short.

Next was our walk down to a cute little cafe/restaurant that states that it is kid friendly. Which it is, nothing but kids with their caregivers. It’s called Little Nest The atmosphere was loud given that there was a multitude of kids of all ages. The wooden floors don’t help I’d say, but it is a nice space. And you don’t find many places around that are geared toward kids. I don’t know that I would go there too often. As it was a little overwhelming for me, I don’t deal too well with crowds and lots of noise. I don’t know what to concentrate on. No wonder my daughter gets over stimulated easy. She gets it from me. The menu is wonderful, it was certainly hard to pick what I wanted. And the fact that most of the ingredients are organic makes me very happy. But I knew I’d be having breakfast. It’s the one thing that I miss the most, being able to sit down to my favorite meal. I had soldiers, as soon as I saw it on the menu I knew I must have it. My free run eggs were perfectly medium, and the cranberry, apricot walnut bread was amazing. I love to talk about food!

Wow look at me giving you a detailed account of this place. And completely forgetting why I went. I met up with this wonderful single momma and her beautiful daughter. The momma had started a single mom group in a park when her daughter was young, and recently the YWCA took over. This was mainly because they have many more resources and can provide more than she ever could. She did have one stipulation, that no mother be turned away. Well I was. About 5 weeks ago I emailed the YWCA asking if I would be able to join this group. As I don’t have a lot of support, and having some other single moms to talk to would be wonderful. They said they were full and would email me once there was room for me.

Well on Monday I went into my midwives clinic to weigh the little tater tot. (Who is 12lbs 11oz). They were closed, but I knew the office manager was going to be there. So we popped in for a visit, and I was glad I did. S asked if I had talked to this momma about the group. I told her about it being full and this was over a month ago. She shook her head and said let me email her and tell her about you. I think you guys would really get a long. Only a few hours later this wonderful momma called me. We chatted for a bit, and she was very upset that I was turned away and she was going to fix that. There was so much support that I could be receiving and I’m not. She asked if I wanted to meet up later in the week. And of course I said yes, I do need other mom’s in my life that can relate to what I’m undertaking.The group is on a break, but will be back in the new year. I can’t wait, if the rest of them are as nice as this mom! She has already helped me in a number of ways, and she doesn’t even know me. It does give me a new hope for the upcoming year.

Another reason I love my midwives. Something wonderful and life changing always happens when I go there.

The late afternoon brought with it a visit from two guys I worked with years ago. But I keep in touch with a lot of them. One of them I’ve always called Boo Boo bear. He is one of the most kindhearted, warm, sensitive people I know. But you would never say any of that out loud to anyone who doesn’t know him. He would deny it! He and his wife tried everything for years to have children, but it just didn’t work out for them. He was almost in tears when he met my daughter today. And he kept saying what a good dad he would have been. Which made me want to cry, because he really would have been. Such a big heart he has, and on the way out he shoved money in my hand. And said merry christmas, that did make me cry. I tried to give it back, but he wasn’t having any of that.

All in all it was a busy day for both of us. But she did pretty good, only a small melt down in the cafe. I chalk that up to her just being tired, so that doesn’t count. And she let other people hold her for longer then two seconds before she was stretching out her arms for me.

Tiny steps, tiny steps xo

Hiding out…

I read a blog today, that struck a chord with me. It was by LeChicken, I can’t truly relate to her pain. But I can with how she hides it. I’ve been doing a great job of hiding my emotions as of late. It may seem all rainbows and unicorns, but that is what I let you see.

I don’t need you knowing that I’m hurting. That I’m still dealing with PPD, in my own way. Some days I wonder how the hell I make it through this sleep deprived haze. It is not as bad as it was, but I still have days that I cry. And I do this when she is sleeping so she doesn’t see. I don’t want her to get upset. No particular reason for this, except for the demons that I’m still finding a way to slay.

And it makes it harder when Miss A has in the last few days, changed all her routines. And has resorted back to only wanting to be in my arms, for sleeping purposes. So not only am I back at square one to what she wants. I’m very much becoming the incredible disappearing woman.

The nights are the hardest for me. At 2 in the morning when she doesn’t want to go back to sleep, and I have to rock her for an hour. Knowing full well that in less than an hour and a half she will be back up to eat. I just want to scream and cry. I ache all over in places so unexpected. My hips are sore from the constant swaying, my back, my shoulder oh lord my shoulder. And for the love, I crack and pop. You would think I was 90 if you were to hear me get off the couch.

I’m grateful for each new day… Doesn’t mean it stays that way all through the day, but I’m hopeful. Everything changes in the blink of an eye, the ebb and flow of being a new mother. And one with a full plate and little support.

Still gives me a feeling of not being alone, when I come here and write. And I read that others are suffering the same plight, in some form or another.



Just rambles

I use to write, a lot. I’ve been writing in a journal for as long as I can remember. I have boxes of them, full of tears and laughter. I write to clear my mind, to expel the shit that clogs my brain matter. I find since the little miss was born I’ve been neglecting many things, writing being one of them. Yes I know I have this, not the same I say. And really I’m surprised anyone reads the items that spit from my fingers.

I wish I could write here everyday. But life with plus one doesn’t always allow mummy to do everything she would like. Or everything she needs to do. I as some would say bounced back to prepregnancy weight pretty quick. I’ve always had an alarmingly fast metabolism. And breastfeeding seems to speed it up even more. Needless to say, I’m not just below that weight now.

NOT GOOD, so very very bad… Yes I’ll admit that the first few months eating was hard. She wasn’t very cooperative with me eating as I should. Now with the help of the miracle baby swing, I’ve been eating more. But I’ve dropped more weight. WHAT THE HELL. My midwives said that they didn’t want me dropping below 100lbs. Ummm no kidding I don’t want to either. But that number seems to becoming closer and closer on the scale.

Maybe I should just stay off the scale… what I don’t know can’t hurt me right? RIGHT??!!

It could be that I walk everywhere. With Adelayde strapped to my front, and I live in a three floor walk up. And I carry all my groceries home as well.. But for crying out loud. What do I need to do? I don’t want to weigh any less. But I can’t seem to keep the weight on..

What the heck can I do? Just sit on my ass watch my stories and eat bon-bons? I don’t think someone would be down with that.

Tiny steps big journey

It’s a fitting title, being a mother is a very hard rewarding job. But factor in being a first time mom, and single. And hard becomes a word in big bold letters. Each day I take tiny steps into this whole new world called mommyhood. This will be an account of what I have and will experience in my journey. Handy tidbits of knowledge, finding humor in the struggle, and to journal the life of myself and my daughter. And if I can find a way to help another, this makes it all the more worth while.