This pretty much sums up today. Yesterday was the dreaded S day, S as in shots. She hates them, WE hate them. Such a horrible thing to do to a wee child. Yes I know somethings have to be done to protect her. But really, have you seen the length of those needles?!
At least it didn’t take as long for us to get through them this time. We had a smart nurse. She stabbed her once and we quickly switched sides, and stabbed her again. It’s the way it should be done. She is already in pain, and screaming. Why drag it out for the both of us.
I think it almost hurts me more than her. The pain cry, sets me off… My boobs get hard and leak, as do my eyes. And I just can’t think when she cries like that. All I want to do is fold her back into my womb and make her safe.
But it is my entertainment after she has calmed down. She always looks right at the nurse, sticks her hand in her mouth. And gives her the what for.
Today was the aftermath. She was a hot mess. Crying almost all day, slight fever. I couldn’t put her down, as soon as I did she would start all over again. We went for a three hours walk, it was the only way she would sleep. And she only really dozed. Poor little bugger
At least we have 8 weeks until they want to stab her again.
I never realized how your personal hygiene goes out the window once you have a wee one. I sat feeding her today, sniff sniff. I look down at her, and lean in closer have you pooped already. Good Gawd, that stinks. But the closer I get to her, the less I think its her.
It can’t be, I say to myself I lean into my own arm pit. For the love of all that is holy, it is me. It then gets me thinking, hmmm when was the last time I had a shower? I don’t remember anymore when I last cleaned myself. How is that??!! I know that I haven’t shaved my legs in almost four months. I call it my real hair leg warmers. I mean it is winter after all, and whom the hell is going to care. At least I remember to brush my teeth every night. I think any way.
I did end up having a shower tonight. And holy hell, it felt great. I didn’t want to get out. But there is no such thing as long leisurely bath time any longer. But I kept thinking back to when I was little. And my dad would tell me it was time to get out of the bath. “But I’m not wrinkly yet” I would protest. That is the true way to tell when it’s time to get out of the bath right?. I just wanted to say that tonight.
I wanted to fill the tub, have bubbles. Maybe some candles, a glass of something something. Put my legs freshly shaven they would be, up by the taps. Sink deep until my ears were touching the water. But alas I was snapped out of my wet dream if you will. By the tiny whimper coming from the living room.
I think I might have to write down take shower, and put it somewhere so I remember. How have I become so forgetful?
I did a lot of research on cord clamping before my daughter was born. I wanted to be as informed as possible. Most of the research was on lotus birth. I was in full agreement that why discard a part of her so quickly. This pouch of life was her buddy for 9 months. It fed her, comforted her, protected her, and gave her life.
So when she was born, we kept her tiny buddy attached. I ended up in the hospital for my birth. And this was not something that I was going to waver on. Since I had to on so many other things. My midwife had to fight for me on that one. They gave the we can’t do that speech. And we replied, we can and we are!. So needless to say we were the first people at the BC woman’s hospital to do a lotus birth. We didn’t doctor it with the herbs, it was just wrapped up in a sterile bag. And placed between her legs, and both of them were swaddled together.
I did only keep it attached for two days after her birth. It was tugging pretty good at her belly button, and making it inflamed. But the cord was so dry, I could have just cracked it off. We cut it pretty close, and by two days later the rest of it fell off. It was great that I never had to deal with the smell of rotting flesh. I remember that smell from my nieces and nephews, and was not looking forward to it. So that was another added benefit, it really does fall off quicker then having it cut right at birth. My placenta now sits in the freezer. I’m still undecided on what to do with it.
Oh I did find this neat article on waiting to cut the cord. And how it possibly prevents many health issues early on. Delayed cord clamping. If I’m ever-blessed to have another child, I will be doing a lotus birth again. I just hope more women can be informed about this and demand it.
Everyone try’s to prepare you for how life will be, once your child is born. But as I found they don’t always prepare you for the drop in hormones. I try to be pretty well informed. So I did make sure I read up on baby blues.
I think that there is such a stigma involved in any kind of mental illnesses. That too many women don’t look for help. Or don’t even realize that what they are experiencing is post-partum depression. Or a version of PPD. Be it because they are embarrassed to admit that they are suffering. Or don’t know that what they are feeling is more then just a bad day. And this can happen up to a year after your baby is born.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve been battling with it. And yes I did, and am still trying to hide it. I’ve always been a very fiercely independent girl. Been doing it all on my own, for as long as I can remember. I knew motherhood was going to be hard. But when it’s just you, it is harder then imagined. You don’t have anyone to pass your child to when you need a break. Housework falls under the who cares category. And in my case, eating seems impossible. And it doesn’t help that I also suffer from S.A.D. And it is that time of year in Vancouver. Rain, rain, grey sky’s,and more rain. So getting out is not top of my list. But that is unfair to my daughter. So I try to get out every day even if it’s just around the block. Sometimes I cry, and for really no apparent reason. Other times I look at my daughter and I cry. But that is only because she fills my heart. Thank god that I don’t have feeling of hurting myself or her, but some do.
I want to let others know not to be ashamed, or afraid to ask for help. I was lucky enough for my midwife to catch it. She gave me some good resources www.postpartum.org The hotline number is 604-255-7999. This is manned by volunteers who they themselves have suffered through it. You can find professional help as well. If you are not into medication. Herbs can work as well. I myself take my three times daily dose of lemon balm.
And if anyone that is reading this has or is finding a ring of truth to this. How did you cope? Or you just need to talk to someone who won’t think you’re crazy. Let me know. Us mothers really are in this together.