About tinystepsbigjourney

An unconventional girl in an unconventional time. I am 35 year old single mum to a wonderful baby girl. I started this blog with the intention of getting things out of my head. I really didn't figure anyone would read it for real. No one that I know, knows about this blog. Okay I lie a few do, but these are the people whom I know wont judge me. I think it makes it easier for me to really say what I feel. Some days are not easy. But I'm making it work, I have to. Because when I look at my daughter I know the world is somehow good. it has to be.

Getting crafty

So I’ve been getting my craft on again. It’s been a long absence, I’ve missed it. But when you’re a new mama, and overwhelmed. A lot of things find their way to the back burner.
I have picked the hook back up. Crocheting is something my grandmother taught me, a few years before she passed. It is one thing that I can say she gave to me. And I hope that my wee one will take up the cause as well.

20130326-220241.jpg
As you see she already gives it a go. But she’ll pretty much do anything I do at this point.

20130326-220528.jpg

20130326-220621.jpg
Yes it’s been a lot of owls, they seem to be all the rage. And well they are cute too.
I find it a bit relaxing to do. Unless I have to read patterns. They drive me fuckingmad.

Worst Day

Well, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been away for some time, and so many things have transpired. So let me begin with the one day that will, so far be the worst day of my life.
On December 10th, two days before the wee ones 15 month birthday. Ugh still gives me nightmares. Honestly, I don’t even like talking about it. But here it goes.

The day started off wonderfully, she was in a great mood….. That would soon change. I didn’t feel like making breakfast. So we headed down to our local diner, The Tipper Restaurant. She loves it there, as does everyone there. She believes that she runs the joint. I let her out of the ergo so she could make her rounds and say hi. Off to the kitchen she ran. One of her favorite cooks was working, who immeditly scooped her up. This gave me the chance to grab a much needed coffee.

I hadn’t even taken a sip, when I heard her crying. I turned and headed into the kitchen. The cook was holding her, his face distraught. She was still crying, he was holding her hand. Of course I thought that she had touched the dishwasher, she is amazed by it. And it does get hot, so I asked still with a smile on my face, “did she touch it?” He just kept saying “I shouldn’t have let that happen” he was holding her hand with a paper towel. I grabbed her and noticed the blood on the towel. Here I was thinking that it was his blood. NOPE it was her’s. At this point I was starting to panic, but I couldn’t. Because I knew this would stress her out. I was holding her hand tight and asked what happened.

They were standing next to the dish washer, watching it work. Issue was they were too close, he had turned to see where I was. And at that exact moment, she stuck her teeny tiny finger into a hole. And when she did the machine cycled and sliced her finger. So here is the moment that still makes me sick. I thinking no biggie just a little cut, silly little girl, I removed the towel, my knees buckled. I had to almost sit on the floor. I’m sure I went white, her finger tip was hanging by a thread. I put the towel back and held it tighter and high above her heart. She is still crying, and as any mother knows. It’s that terrified, I’m in pain cry. And it rips right through you. I just kept saying “her finger, her finger. Its hanging off” The cook asked what he should do call an ambulance? I said call the owner who lives very close. I didn’t want to take my first ambulance ride with her. He wasn’t answering, so I said yes call.

She kept crying and signing milk over and over. I sat down waiting for the ambulance and nursed her. Which helped calm her for a bit. Seriously thank god for boobs. The ambulance whisked us away to the Children’s hospital.

Seems like this must be part one…. Someone has had a fever the last few days and needs her momma…

Nine months

Today my beautiful heart turned nine months.

20120612-211900.jpg
It’s been a crazy month for us. So many new things. Her world seems to be expanding at a rapid pace. I’m still in awe everything that has taken place in such a short period.
She is moving around the house at warp speed now. It’s kind of nice that she can come to me now. I know how selfish of me. It didn’t take her long after the crawling started for her to be pulling up on everything.

20120612-213826.jpg
Here she is letting me know that the TV is dusty.
With all this moving, it just seems I have absolutely no time for myself. You can’t leave the busy bee alone for a second. Because she will find something to get into. Or put in her mouth. Yes I now have my own personal human roomba.
We finally have bottom teeth. It took long enough. Phewf. But not two weeks later the screaming started all over again. I don’t know if she feels like she is behind or something. But low and behold, four new top teeth just below the surface. Her left top front has made a slight appearance. But I can see the other three. And my god can I hear them.
Needless to say sleeping has been a bitch this last month. She wakes a million times in the night. Some mornings I don’t know if I’m coming or going. And no amount of coffee seems to help my plight.
Top it off we had our first sickness a week ago. From Friday to Monday she had a fever. It climbed to just over 103. Of course it worried the hell out of me. I thought that teething could be a part of it. But apparently as per the quack doctor. Fever is not associated with teething any more???!!! He figured it was roseola. Which I guess is pretty common. He said once the fever breaks. She would get a rash, which she did. Thankfully it was a very uneventful rash. The only upside of it was. I got to have a super cuddly bubba for a few days.

Thank you for the last nine months my sweet girl. Even if you refuse to get changed or dressed any more and scream and cry like I’m killing you. For my sloppy open mouth kisses, when I ask for them. For wanting to touch every tree, wall, poll, window. Oh hell everything when we are on a walk. To being a big help turning lights on and off. For filling my heart with so much love. For picking me as your momma. Love you baby girl

20120612-224043.jpg

Tightening the purse strings

I can’t sleep. I sit here with the wee one peacefully unaware of my dilemma. I still have a few more months to weigh the pros and cons.
I really really do NOT want to return to work. I may be a tad old fashion, but I believe that a mothers place is with her children. I do realize that this is not always possible. But I’m going to try with all my power to make it happen.
Currently I’m on maternity leave, so I’m collecting EI. It has been a tough go. But it’s a million times better than welfare assistance. I think welfare is a dirty word. And a stigma is very much attached to it.
Yes that’s right I’m considering going on assistance to stay home and watch my only daughter grow. Judge me if you want.
Yes I’ve looked into applying for it. EI seems like a cake walk. As much as I’ve complained about how little they give you. Assistance is much, much less. I hate money, I’ve never been good with it. And I want to give her so much. I’m already living at the poverty level. If I take assistance, funny they call it that. I’ll be living far below it.
I’m torn. And it’s breaking my heart. I’d love to find a data entry work from home kinda thing. Finding a ligit one seems like a job in its self.
Sometimes I think that being a single mother is like having a massive Scarlett letter.