I read a blog today, that struck a chord with me. It was by LeChicken, I can’t truly relate to her pain. But I can with how she hides it. I’ve been doing a great job of hiding my emotions as of late. It may seem all rainbows and unicorns, but that is what I let you see.
I don’t need you knowing that I’m hurting. That I’m still dealing with PPD, in my own way. Some days I wonder how the hell I make it through this sleep deprived haze. It is not as bad as it was, but I still have days that I cry. And I do this when she is sleeping so she doesn’t see. I don’t want her to get upset. No particular reason for this, except for the demons that I’m still finding a way to slay.
And it makes it harder when Miss A has in the last few days, changed all her routines. And has resorted back to only wanting to be in my arms, for sleeping purposes. So not only am I back at square one to what she wants. I’m very much becoming the incredible disappearing woman.
The nights are the hardest for me. At 2 in the morning when she doesn’t want to go back to sleep, and I have to rock her for an hour. Knowing full well that in less than an hour and a half she will be back up to eat. I just want to scream and cry. I ache all over in places so unexpected. My hips are sore from the constant swaying, my back, my shoulder oh lord my shoulder. And for the love, I crack and pop. You would think I was 90 if you were to hear me get off the couch.
I’m grateful for each new day… Doesn’t mean it stays that way all through the day, but I’m hopeful. Everything changes in the blink of an eye, the ebb and flow of being a new mother. And one with a full plate and little support.
Still gives me a feeling of not being alone, when I come here and write. And I read that others are suffering the same plight, in some form or another.